http://www.firstgiving.com/genevievemunn

Tags: body image
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First off high five if you get the above title. Old school SNL FTW!

Ive been thinking A LOT about self-esteem lately, probably because mine is pretty low lately. Ive put back on the weight that I lost last year (not all but more than just a few pounds) and my skin is broke out thanks to stress  of the Roxy’s surgery/holidays/said weight gain(not a huge deal…except I WORK in skincare and people look at my skin as a judgement of what I am able to do for them). Add in the usual (I hate how my nose droops, I hate my underbite, I wish my hips were smaller,etcetcetc) and you have a insecure whiny pity party-havin’ Genevieve.

You can hide it all you want and believe that your feelings about your body, your face, about who you are and what you look like can only be heard in your head…but I have finally had the maturity/insight to understand that it literally seeps out of your pores. I walk around all day hyper-aware of my looks and my distaste of them. I know I make comments to people (meant to be wry and funny) but Im sure my comments are quite transparent of how I feel. No matter how silly I act or how much I try to not be fishing for compliments or assurance from co-workers, friends, family I am finally realizing it probably is a)perceived that way some of the time b) I am probably sometimes seeking approval and c) loving me is exhausting.

We’ll get back to that last part in a minute. I have realized in the last week I am really good at passing off my insecurities on other people. I think in my head that if people told me I was pretty or that I had a great body, I would be happier. I say to myself that if my boyfriend told me I was beautiful more often, I wouldn’t feel so bad. I am constantly believing that if other people validate me the way I need/want I would feel better thus placing blame that the real reason I feel so crummy about my appearance…is everyone else’s  fault.

The amusing and ironic thing is it really doesnt matter what you say to me, I’ll still find a way to think you don’t mean it. No matter how much you tell me ,I will never feel satisfied that I am not ugly and chubby. My dad tells me I am beautiful all the time, every picture he takes of me he says how photogenic I am , how I have the prettiest eyes he’s ever seen and I always scoff at him and roll my eyes. My friends tell me how cute I am and how they love my figure…I always look at them with skepticism. It does not matter what you try to say, I will most likely turn you away before the words have even left your mouth. As you can imagine, quite a few people who meant a lot to me have said in an exasperated tone “that I am exhausting to love” and “they can’t win either way”

The famous qoute says “You must love yourself before you love another. By accepting yourself and fully being what you are, your simple presence can make others happy.”
I always smirk when I hear this, because at the rate I have been going…I guess I am impossible/incapable of loving anyone. KIDDING!! But in all seriousness, how do I get past this? How do I learn to accept and BELIEVE a compliment? Most importantly, how do I not care about whether another person tells me Im pretty again?

Deep thoughts…deep deep thoughts.

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I love making lists and I love trying to better myself in some shape or another…so obviously New Years resolutions are extremely exciting to me.

Fitness/Health

• Keep up my running/spinning/weights. Running 3x a week, Spinning 2x a week, weights 3x a week.
• If my hip agrees to it, train and take on the Charlottesville half marathon. I’m back up to 2 miles…and I have 4 months to do 11.1 more.
• Try and become a spin instructor.

Mental Health

• Really truly make an effort to accept my body for what it is. There are parts of me that are so hard to like and frustrate me so much because they don’t look the way my head says they should look. And even more frustrating is that in order to feel “acceptable” “pretty” “beautiful” and to have a certain body, I would have to do things I don’t want to do anymore. THUS…I am left to accept the body I have, make tweaks that are healthy, but overall get it through my thick skull…that I will always have hips and bigger legs.
• Continue my art journaling.
• Get off Depakote.

MISC

• Try my hand at jewelry making.
• Cook 1x a week.
• Read Gaining, The Last Lecture, Finding Your Own North Star (one of my mom’s favorites), The 4 Agreements, Three Cups of Tea
• Take photos. Stop worrying that I will never be as good as Matt (because I wont) and because of that, never taking any. Find the happiness it used to give…and just do it.

HAPPY NEW YEARS!

What are your resolutions?

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Time for the survey I do every year….

01 What did you do in 2009 that you’d never done before?
fell in love with a tailless kitty, ran a 8k, took on my fear of doing brazilian waxes, ran a 8: took spinning classes (and loved it), went to Hawaii.

02 Did you keep your new years’ resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
My goals from last year:
FITNESS/HEALTH GOALS:
1. Run the Apple Blossom 10k in an hour and 5 minutes or less. (did not do. thanks hip)
2. To run the Rock&Roll Hal Marathon in 2 hours and 15 minutes.(did not do. thanks hip)
3. To start adding fitness dvds back into my exercise routine. (did this every so often. now that i belong to the gym theres really no point)
4. Taking my vitamins/fish oils more regularly (meh)
5. Lose 15 more lbs. (FML)
MENTAL HEALTH GOALS:
1. Stop picking at myself so much. Its a horrible ocd habit I have and it makes me really embrassed. It’s def. gotten better but I’d really like to put it to rest. (still not 100% no picking. i suck)
2. Make sure that my exercising stays healthy and that I lose weight in a healthy manner. (I struggled with this some this spring but I think my relationship with exercise is the best it has ever been. I do it, I do it regularly, and I dont JUST do it to lose weight.)
3. Write in my lj more. (Did not do. No biggie)
4. Start taking pictures and posting them. (Did not do)
MISC:
1.Decorate my stupid apartment and stop feeling so embrassed of it. (done )
2. Find a really awesome place to live once my lease is up. (DONE!)
3. Buy clothes out of my safety zone. (sometimes)
4. Read the following books:
eat pray love (DONE)
gaining (did not do…i need to)

03 Did anyone close to you give birth?
YES!
My cousin Alicia gave birth to the beautiful Miss Austen in January and a few months later my dear friend Micah gave birth to the equally beautiful Pru.

04 Did anyone close to you die?
No.

05 What countries did you visit?
N/A

06 What would you like to have in 2010 that you lacked in 2009?
Confidence.

07 What dates from 2009 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
January 4-The guy I dated through high school and college was in a cycling accident and ended up in a coma for 16 days. Those two weeks taught me a lot about forgiveness and letting go of what people may have done and simply wanting the best for someone.
January 8- my 10 year sobriety anniversary.
March 1-the day my hip started hurting. It may seem dumb to people but my hip injury really impacted a lot of my year in terms of all the things I planned to do but couldn’t not to mention there were periods of time where I was in a fair amount of pain.
March 21-Matt qualified for Boston! I dont know if I have ever been so proud of him. Seeing him run by after the 3:10 group and realizing he had made his goal made me SOSOSO happy I had tears in my eyes.
April 4- The day my dad told me my step-mom left him.
June 16-My bosses closed the spa, left town with our paychecks, and turned out to be completely different people than I could have even expected.
July 19- HAWAII!!!
Dec 16- Roxy’s surgery.

08 What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Learning to move on.

09 What was your biggest failure?
Letting my insecurities dictate my behavior. (same as last year)

10 Did you suffer illness or injury?
Whats up hip bursitis!!?!?

11 What was the best thing you bought?
My handy dandy portable facial machine!

12 Whose behavior merited celebration?
Mine…sometimes.

13 Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
My previous employers. Nuff said.

14 Where did most of your money go?
The animals<3, groceries, books, food. I wish I could say I spent my money on more exciting things.

15 What did you get really, really, really excited about?
Work! The animals! Matt! Spinning! Running! HAWAII!!!!!!!!

16 What song will always remind you of 2009?
Good Life by Kanye West.

17 Compared to this time last year, are you:
a) happier or sadder? HAPPIER.
b) thinner or fatter? About the same :/ But wayyyy stronger!
c) richer or poorer? poorer.

18 What do you wish you’d done more of?
I wish I had gotten to do more running and completed the goals I had planned.

19 What do you wish you’d done less of?
Obsessing and feeling bad about the way I look. Crying over stuff I couldn’t change.

20 How will you be spending Christmas?
Well since Christmas is gone…we spent the morning together unwrapping gifties and then the rest of the day at my mom’s with my family.

21 How will you be spending New Years?
Watching Matt play.

22 Did you fall in love in 2009?
Always. I am in stupidly in love with my dream boy.

23 How many one-night stands?
Homie dont play that.

24 What was your favorite TV program?
CRIMINAL MINDS followed by Hoarders, Meet the Natives…and JERSEY SHORE.

25 Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?
Yup.

26 What was the best book you read?
Eat Pray Love

27 What was your greatest musical discovery?
Lady Gaga.
I hate even saying it but I listen to her ALL THE TIME at the gym or while I run.

28 What did you want and get?
I dont know how to answer this. Life threw some curve balls this year and thus the things I planned and wanted didnt happen. But thats ok. Thats life. At the end of the day I have everything I need.

29 What did you want and not get?
I wanted to start working with a plastic surgeon and doing laser work. That didnt happen.

30 What was your favorite film of this year?
The Blindside!!!

31 What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
For my 26th birthday Matt, Ellen, and I got up early and went on a 16 mile adventure (we biked & matt ran) Afterwards Matt and I ate Burger King because it was Saturday, took a glorious nap, went clothes shopping for me, and prepared for our trip to Hawaii which was the next day. Awesome and laid back..just the way I like it!

32 What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
Hard to say.

33 How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2009?
Black…with a white lab coat.

34 What kept you sane?
Medication DUH!

35 Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
Fuck celebrities.

36 What political issue stirred you the most?
The economy…it terrifies me.

37 Who did you miss?
All the friends I’ve made along the way who I never see or hardly see.
Katie…her not being here is really hard sometimes.

38 Who was the best new person you met?
Stubbs, she was a wonderful surprise.
And Communikate!

39 Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2008:
Sometimes, its too good to be true…and everything happens for a reason, even if that reason isn’t made clear to you yet.

40 Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.

“Pain throws your heart to the ground
Love turns the whole thing around
No, it won’t all go the way it should
But I know the heart of life is good”

Posted in body image, life, matthew, pets, work | 3 Comments »

art journal: Starting an art journal is a powerful way to move beyond words in your daily writing practice. Not only does working with images access a different part of our brains than words, making art is a source of playfulness and creative joy.

Its really cool how inspired I have already felt since getting it. I really hope I stick with it.

Tags: art journal
Posted in art, body image, life | 1 Comment »